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A must do!
Any one who is looking for a great night out go see "Why We Have Bodies" Nancy and I went with a few friends to see it last Saturday at Sol Theatre. I am not one that usually laughs out loud at movies or plays but I did. Great writing the actresses are really good. I don't want to give it away but I am in love with Mary who is CRAZY! And just for eye candy Renee is hot! But seriously it is only 30 bucks on Saturday and 25 on Thursday and you get a free drink coupon for New Moon.
Now I see why it has won all the awards it has...............CHECK IT OUT!!
Did I happen to mention complimentary wine at the show. Yippee
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My karma...............
By now you should know my karma is immediate. Well here goes another story of true and yes whacked.
John, who cleans the bar everyday also cleans my house. As he likes to say he is my b__tch. Anywho, Nancy brought home some fabu cookies left them on the counter and John could not help but have a few. I must say here Nancy is an awesome baker, so John knowing this sees the clear plastic container of cookies. Tries one a little dry then tries one that has icing and sprinkles, still a little dry. Oh well, no worries he is done trying them. He calls me and says the cookies Nancy baked are a little dry............Me what cookies? John, the ones on the counter............Me, John read the label.........John, what label.................Me, on the bottom. SHIT they are from Canine Gourmet. Now I am laughing my ass off and I have everyone in the bar and everyone I know I tell to bark at John when they see him. Ruff Ruff.
So a few days goes by of me teasing him something fierce. Oh right I let up and put it to bed.
I get home late and tired from the bar................head to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Which by my past stories I love to do and I have to have a pump dispenser.I know I am a freak! Well, again Nancy the common denominator plays a role in this mishap. She is left handed and switched sides on the sink now let me tell you how well Melon Cucumber soap tastes at 3 in the am. Pump hand soap and pump toothpaste should be separated. Karma will get you every time! LOL
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I am alive!!
Well I have missed eveyone via our little web chats or should I say goofy stories. I have a few whacked out things that have happened. Lets see first and foremost I and we survived Pride! What a great time, it was great to see folks still parting in the rain with no worries. Lots of interesting characters........I am in no need for a while to see a hairy ass in chaps. And a big girl with no bra and I mean big girl in white, with no bra, rain and all. Get the picture. I do love us!
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A quickie
I am winning this life time achievement award tonight. Does this mean I am dead or dying and also does it mean this it I can do no more? My life is up. Maybe it's just me but I find it strange. Very nice but strange.
I know I can not die yet until they get the name of the bar right. New Moon not blue moon
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Back in town
I have been gone for two weekends in a row and I am missing my baby ....the Moon.
First I went to Puerto Rico for my nephews wedding. All the sisters together again, we do this once every five to ten years for a funeral but twice in six months proved enough. Christmas and now wedding.
My eldest sister did great by my standards she only totally insulted me three times in two days. Not too bad. Let’s see first one was at the rehearsal dinner. Dinner is over everyone is walking around, some of her friends from New Orleans wanted to take a picture of us.........so I step close and smile as she says look we are like brother and sister. Nice! I reply do not make me drop my pants and show the lovely folks my vagina. That goes well?
Next up number two, at the reception. The maid of honors brother is Gay, the bride’s cousin. Got it. I walk over to my sister and her husband's table to tell them what a great job they have done as I am standing there between them Wil and his partner Peter head up to dance............my sister reacts with shock and distain and says out loud they are not going to dance are they?!! My brother-in-law says quickly "Peggy your sister is gay and is right here" I just simply walk away on that one. She does do her own form of an apology and walks up to my table and makes me dance with her.
Last but not least number three, after the reception a few of us decide to go in the hot tub on the roof (great views of the ocean and the city by the way)
My other sister and I head to the room to get our bathing suits. Off we go.
No worries there but the next morning we are all at brunch. I am at one table with some of my sister’s friends she is at the table next to us. Everyone starts talking about the reception (great party) and the after happenings like the to tub......my sister spouts out Carol I am shocked you wore a bathing suit top did not know you owned one, to which I say what?! She replies I thought maybe you would wear boxers to which I answered over my chest? my button fly’s do not work that way I was going to wear my loincloth and now I say in the most barbaric voice I have pounding my chest "I go now to hot tub and sit" the whole table cracks up. Now mind you at brunch I am wearing a white linen shirt with capri pants.........guess what my sister is wearing Yep white linen shirt with capri pants. Now, you know I can't let that go.......I stand up walk over and say look Peggy we are dressed alike. She ignores me and I say it again, she ignores me again once again I say it just for good measure. Her friends are dying. That put an end to anymore insults and the fact they left for their flight right after.
Please don't take this as all bad my sister is truly a good woman, she is a GREAT mom. Her kids rock the World, one I went to visit in Uganda and the other is doing great things at Brown University. She is great to her friends, her community she took in whole families after Katrina. She is devoted to her Church as well, donates so much. So it is with that in mind that I still adore and love my sister. She will come around.
Oh crap I forgot to tell you one more thing............The maid of honor made a book to give to the Bride and groom which was to be advice from all the married couples they know. Well of course the first page is both thier parents, second and third pages grandparents.............right after that, page four.........You guessed it Nancy and I Yippee, almost put my sister over the edge, her face was priceless, especailly my advice was when all else fails the internet is for porn. I WIN!
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Take it easy............
A few weeks ago Monday after Pride was a total catch up day at the bar. So Tuesday I tell Nancy I am going to take it easy around the house today and just do inventory at the bar because to be honest my back was killing me! I have had this lower back wackiness going on for a few weeks so now I am thinking I will rest. Laundry, light yard work, straighten up the house, you know, a home day.
I put in a load of laundry and sit at my desk to print up some flyers for the bar. Shit, printer out of ink, no worries I live right Office Depot off I go to get ink. Come home and no lie...........wait it can only happen to me.......the washer overflowed. The study has two inches of water everywhere. Mind you the study is my office, so now I break out every freakin towel we have......run to the bar to get the wet/dry vacuum. Back home to move two chairs, book case, filing cabinets, desk, table, computer tower oh yeah all of Nancy's CD's she is burning to computer over 2000 of them. Wait I forgot the wine cooler too, of course full. Damn it. So now I have moved a room full of furniture and wet vacuumed, rinsed out heavy towels because I wanted a light day for my back. Am I leaving out the fact.... I had to move the washer and dryer as well to dry there. So let’s add all that up! Needless to say I am now walking like Bigfoot.
However I do have the cleanest study floors ever and laundry room.
The best of this story is I purchased the WRONG freakin ink.
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Just a little info.........
About Pride I very proud of the staff they rasied 10,000 dollars themselves for Pride.
Now the a few quickies form Pride:
A big muscular guy asked me if I were a top or a bottom. I of course say you do realize I am a girl right?
Second another guy told me I was handsome and said he did not want to insult me by saying pretty but that I am handsome...........the worst part of this Nancy thinks it is a compliment and I should take it that way. UH NO! Now I know I am not pretty, pretty is feminine with the features of great skin, cheek bones all that crap I don't have but handsome..............give me just a small break!
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Date Day
Nancy and I have not had much time together so my solution date day. Saturday she went riding with friends and I went to practice with my little league girls that I coach and the bar for paperwork. I tell her be home by 1:00pm we will have Date Day, whatever you wan to do, we will do. Nice right. I am thinking date day means sex or worst case scramble. (long story there, just go with it)
I get home I showered and ready to do whatever................What does she wants to do .....SHOP! That is the worst case I hate to shop for anything! I hate it I hate it..............get the picture. This is why two different years I have brought her coasters for X-mas.
Ok I say with a grit smile...............it gets worst we are going shopping for a purse. Good God. But I stay focused, make it through this and surely we will get to my idea of a date day.
Off we go I even help, picking up ones that I think she will like, it goes without saying that I was not even close in my guesses. I participate, I mean man I am in the thick of the handbags.
Now, I just can't take it anymore I always know where there is a seat in any store. I wander off to sit and wait. As I am sitting there an older guy comes and sits next to me and starts chatting away. Nice guy he is talking all baseball since I am in my softball clothes, I hear about how he was drafted to the big leagues but had to go to Korea. Pretty cool stuff..........
I see Nancy out of the corner of my eye I know she is looking for me, I call out to her she comes over with some hideous shirt (pink plaid) for me! I said oh hell no, she walks away. The older nice man says to me............wait for it ............wait...............ready........Is that your daughter? With that I get up and say it was a pleasure and off I go, storming to find Nancy.
I tell her what he said.............no sympathy. Yet she tells me I need a facial that it would help as she can not stop laughing.
She finds a bag we leave head home............I am thinking date day is going to salvaged. I try to get amorous she looks at me and says..........wait for it.........wait......... No I can't have sex with my mother GROSS!
Damn it! LOL I wouldn't mind if she were younger but we are the same age!
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Wow
I have not caught everyone up on the wackiness that is my life.....
So here ya go:
I do not recommend late night hot dogs. Well yes I had to get one. It was Wednesday night after the wine tasting............I promise I was not drunk but I decided it would be a great idea for me to head to an Irish bar with some friends. Of course I also decide I am going to play Texas Hold Em with some rather strange folks. I sit and pay my "fee of 25" to play. Did I happen to mention that I do not know how to play Texas Hold Em, well these folks are serious I am sitting next to a guy who takes on and off his sunglasses, a really crusty lady who only bets when she has a killer hand. And the topper a lady who is about 250 in a sheer shirt with the belly showing. Why I ask but not for me to judge she is feeling good. Now, sheer shirt is on my case and knows I am weak, she is betting hard against me I am on a mission to get her off the table. I "go all in" and loose Shit! Now I pay another "fee" to buy back in. The tall skinny guy who was smoking the longest thinnest cigarette I have ever seen.............I swear they had to be customed made, beats me. Damn it. Now this is it I buy back in again, I have to get sheer shirt out I play a little smarter but yet still loose once again. Ok I am done.
A $100 down I head back to New Moon to close up. Still starving so I head to where else my home away from home 7-11 Get my late night hot dog proceed down
15th to see an object in the road. Sorry to say a dead cat so I am moving over and then I swear another cat comes running out.............I serve hard run up the median blow out my tire to the rim, pulled away my front panel and yes the underneath the truck ( I find out later is torn up) I did not drop that hot dog.
I am only a mile from home I drive on my rim......ruined it as well. Thank you very much.
So the next day I count my night a $100 at the Irish bar, $125 for a tire, $150 for the rim and the worst part the hot dog wasn't even cooked all the way.......done with hot dogs!
Next time I am gonna hit the cat and then make a donation to the humane society.
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3 Years and hopefully still counting
Ok ladies I have now just recovered from the weekend's party. Thanks for supporting us 3 years. To be honest I never thought we would last that long(ok I mean that I would last that long) Thanks so much..............however if you missed the party shame on you, it was a blast!
It was packed so many people but yet not too crazy. It was sort of like Church at Christmas time people that come out once a year were out.
The DJ's the bands, the drink special, proved to be a good time. Perhaps next year we won't give free Jager shots I know some folks are still hurting. There were lots of not so pretty girls out there on Sunday for the first day of softball. And yet they were blaming it on me and the Jager. I will take the responsibilty. LOL
Thanks again to all for the years of support and I must say because of your alls support New Moon was able last year to donate to over 15 non-profits, everything from saving the ocean, to kids with cancer , to the homeless, our brothers and sisters with AIDS, and to a gay prom.
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Valetines Day.......
Hope all had a great V-day or as I like to say, "VD" I am not big on v-day I know imagine that me not big on a romantic day.
Well I had to work early opening at 2pm because Tracy was out sick (sure I believe that) any who I was working until 8pm then I could go home for a bit and be back by 9:30 for the nights action.
I got Nancy nothing for VD and I thought hey I will be a sweetie and get take out, bring it home we can eat under the stars on the patio. Nice idea right? Well I beg Penny to come in at 7:00 so I could accomplish my task ahead of me. I promised Nancy I would be home around 7:00
I ordered the food, head to pick up...........wait ..........wait..........wait.
Finally I get the food I start to head home all is going not too bad, BUT NO I run out of gas on the home! Here is the worst part I knew I needed gas for a couple of days but I never leave the village (Wilton Manors) honest I fill my truck up every six weeks, so o thought for sure I could make it home, for sure I can make it to the bar, for sure I can make it to Publix or anywhere else I head during a week.
Now I am not calling Nancy, Hell no and I am not walking home with Thai food either I call a friend of mine who I know is headed home and here is the weird thing I know she has gas containers in her car, I beg her to turn around and bring my dumb ass some gas. She ROCKS, got me going and home I made it by 7:53 PM, here's my theory if the clock did not move to the next hour I am home on time.
So now this reminds me of a story on Christmas day. Nancy's and mine first Christmas together, she wanted it to be so special. I am being the very good newlywed and helping out. Nancy asks me to do a few shores............all good she asked me to clean the oven. I am doing my task and scrubbing the freakin' thing. (remember newlywed!) I am doing an awesome job, I am taking the burners out and now in the oven I went to take the heating coil out. It won't come out so I give a good yank and out it comes sparks flying out with some simmering smoke. Guess what heating elements are not supposed to come out. Who would have thought umm? OOPS! Now I have killed half the electric in the house fuses are fried. Shit Shit Shit is all I could say. We have guest coming over. I turn to Nancy and said well you wanted it to be special lets just order pizza. Now stop and think about how well that went over............still thinking about it....... When I was ALLOWED back in the house, my butt ran to Walgreens for fuses. But still no oven........ Ok not looking good for me right now. At least the tree is fixed and lighted. So now I am desperate I call my tenant in my house I am renting (did not want to sell just in case Nancy kicked me to the curb thank God) ask my tenant what she is doing for Christmas, she is headed to a friends house and she is not using her oven. After a big discount in next months rent I score, I take our oven out and place it well hidden out back, run over to my house get the oven load truck up and fit in place in our kitchen. Piece of cake!
Ps The dinner was fabulous.
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Just a heads up..........
Softball try outs are this Sunday from 12 -2 at Holiday Park. don't miss this if you want to play and you are not on a team.
Good Luck, sorry I won't be there I am doing a walk-a-thon in the AM why oh why do people want to do physical activity in the AM!!
Anywho check out the softball website at www.sfaaa.net
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This just in..............
I spoke to a woman last night who voted for Romney because he is good looking. No other reason, just that. Alrighty then..........what do you say to that?
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Please STOP!!
OK I will only rant and rave a bit...............but if I get one more freakin' e-mail saying the Barack Obama is a Muslim trying to over turn our government I am going to explode!
Yes, it is true that I am not a Hillary fan that I was a HUGE Kucinich fan. Now that my guy is out I am for, you guessed it Obama.
In talking to quite a few folks they say they will not vote for him for various reasons that are groovy everyone has a right to their opinion however the reason were WHACKED (in my thought process only). One reason was of course he is Muslim..............this is not true! The second reason I heard was his name, they didn't like it. WHAT?!?! And wait it gets better another reason someone had the "balls" to tell me, is because he is black. WHAT?!?!
Now I ask the question don't like the guys politics that is groovy but please have a (again only in my option) valid reason not to like him.
I ask all those that did not like him why they were for Hillary the overwhelming answer was because she is a woman. WHAT?!?! Those lesbians I tell ya. Wait a minute you are picking someone based on gender and not based on race. Does this make any sense to you? Or is it just me that sees that as two same sides of the coin.
It goes without saying that I am bit of a political junkie.........I love all opinions, so let me hear them.
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Same old Same old
Ok so I will make this a quickie:
Went to the movies, Matinee to be exact with Nancy and her father last Sunday. Because that is what you with a 71 year old guy. By the way I hate matinees, any who; we saw the movie Atonement.........Great. What is the theater full of on a Sunday afternoon? little old adorable folks. I follow this lovely woman into the bathroom, we will call her Zelda. you guessed it she looked at the mirror in front of her to see in behind her, she grabbed her chest and gasped she turned as quick as she could and asked me what am I doing her.............my answer was" using the bathroom but please don’t tell the operation is not complete, our little secret" I thought she was going to faint.
Next one I swear to this one too..........I fell asleep in the drive through of Wendy's and it was in the middle of the day, no long wait. Sad I know, the guy behind me peeped and the woman working the window had her head outside waving me down. They must have thought I was stupid..............no just sleeping.
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Oh My God..........
It's true two years ago I brought Nancy coasters...........I suck! I forgot, it was that good of a gift the first time
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Romantic gifts.............
I think that I am a very romantic person but just don't ask Nancy, because she won't agree. (Her not agreeing is not only concerning Christmas)
For Christmas Nancy and I put a limit of 150.00 with stockings to spend on each other. We really do like to buy for the sick and poor children. We buy bikes and all kinds of way cool things, so we really don't need anything crazy. So with that said for gift giving you have to get inventive to say the least like maybe a made gift certificate for a message or I will make you coffee for a week.............NO I did not do that!
Instead I did get her some picture coasters, she can put whatever pictures in that she wants. Nothing says I love you like coasters. Forget all those commercials that say every kiss begins with Kay. I mean seriously do you want crappie diamonds or a cool set of custom coasters? Why coasters of course! Oh don't be so hard on me I also got her a calendar, crossword puzzle book, a bbq basting brush and yes a big pack of gum. Wait I also got her a bread knife.
Not to shabby if I do say so myself. LOL
I think my favorite gift Nancy got me was a gift certificate to 7-11, I love fountain sodas. A little tailer trashy as the expression goes but I do love it!
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I am giving birth.............
To twins, at least that is the way I feel. Coming back from 4 days with the family. We would eat a big meal and then graze and then eat another big meal and then graze, this went on all 4 days. Eat and drink until you pass out or until you like your family. (Ok I'm am kidding)
My sister is an awesome cook but she gives Paula Dean a run for her money with all the butter and cream she uses. And my brother-in-laws are HUGE wine freaks. So with that said I am now giving bloated a new dimension.
I think I am going to name my twins............Chardonnay and Merlot.
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Oops I am being Serious...........
In our lives, we, I have come to believe are always challenged by the people around us. Some with double standards, some with a true conviction in what they feel to be so and some with a delusional since of reality. And don't forget how some will judge you not knowing anything first hand or at best with their preconceived views attached.
We all have had this happen to us I am sure but it is how we react that really decides what kind of person we want to be and what kind of energy we want in our lives.
Sounds pretty heavy to write about however in the last year I have had many discussions with people who are going through this exact "cleansing" in their lives. Don't know if it is our age, midlife crisis, or maturity but to be honest it's from 25yr olds I hear up to my ancient age.
In this holiday season take the time to reconnect with what you truly want out of life, yourself and the folks around you. (to me and just to me it is the best gift I can give myself) It is never too late or too early to take steps in change...........let's face it change sucks. I don't mean to sound preachy for God's sake I am struggling everyday to keep focus on what I feel to be important. This holiday will be different for me and I am finding the good in the change.
Now, I promise my next writing will be freakin' fun! Especially since I am going to see my all sisters for X-mas. I will have plenty to tell you, from the over achiever to the nudist to the, well you get the picture. Oh wait I have to tell you my eldest sister has planned a family photo for us, we all have to wear kacky bottoms and a white top............How GAY?! I am thinking cargo shorts and a wife beater, maybe with a hustler belt buckle.
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Never before..................
Have I been this banged up.
I know I am getting old and everything is starting to squeak, creak and all but really.
The foot thing that you know about...........I am adding my swollen jammed up thumb, my strained rotator cuf (shoulder for those that are guessing) and I swear I can't make this up,
I burned the crap out of my toungue and I am three weeks late for my period.
Who is HOT right now?!
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What was it.................
Ok here we go again and yes I have a witness.
I am still not sure what he/she was........ Honest.
Nancy and I rush off to the emergency room to check on a friend (her story I will tell you later)
We walk into the waiting room and there is this black person and by black I mean the darkest skin person I have ever seen. Wearing a pink mini skirt and by pink I mean HOT pink and terry cloth material. Wearing a white tube top and by tube I mean OUCH! Heavy set and by heavy set I mean fat. Not wearing any shoes..............get the picture yet.
Well it seeks me out.....Why I ask you? Nancy is having no part of even knowing me and walks to where there is one seat available and graps the newspaper (crossword puzzle I think)......So I am left out on my own. True love, any who back to Wonder Whatever, (that’s what I will call the person)
Now, Wonder Whatever is making quite the scene in the emergency room and wanting to know when their turn is next......pacing and talking up a storm in my general direction I am trying hard to keep my head down. Guess what Wonder comes over to me and graps my arm and says Heeeeyyyy, girl what up? Oh my NO........ Wonder Whatever proceeds to talk to me about how screwed up people are. REALLY? I say
Wonder showed me something I was not prepared for...............pulled away the tube top to pull out and show me the false boobies. However, it had boobies and I am not sure if they were man boobs from being fat or really chick boobs. God help me! Wonder does not make it any easier either by saying I like to have more than I have............still don't know. Needless to say Wonder Whatever is not shy, I excuse myself to RUN up to the vending machine and look busy starving whatever it takes. Nope it did not work Wonder gets up to show how to work the machine loudly and yes obnoxiously.
Well now clearly other people in the room are annoyed at Wonder Whatever antics............I swear you are not going to believe me but remember I have a witness, who by the way has her head buried in a newspaper. Damn is she smart.
In the waiting room there was a group of three people a woman my age and two young guys around 25. They are minding their own business because well they were signing. They were all deaf and the two guys were did not have any speaking skills, no voice. As I said people were starting to get annoyed with Wonder......well Wonder gets in the space of the deaf guys and now they kind of shoo Wonder away..............Oh boy that did not sit well. Wonder starts to go off on them and directing her comments like she is talking to me. Example I don't care about them I will "fuck them up" Oh boy here we go. Thank God they can't Wonder is all I am thinking. Well they are deaf not dumb they can tell by Wonder's body language exactly what is being said.
The two guys get up and the fight is on.....................
A fat Wonder Whatever and two guys grunting and throwing their fist around. And yes signing to each other feverishly.
Who gets in the middle? quick take a guess............now I am breaking up a fight with I don't know what that I can't communicate with and two fired up grunting boys that don't hear a word I am saying I can't communicate with either.
Good times.............oh by the way my friend has a made a great recovery and Nancy well she finished the crossword puzzle.
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I am not the one
to question God, however, I think just one small mistake in creating lesbians.
I know what you are thinking how dare she.........that’s OK.
I was born Gay, at that time someone should have asked me, do you want kids or not?........no kids no ovaries. That simple. Now as a lesbian living with another lesbian we have two PMS women in one house. Hello! Now that we are approaching mid 40's we have two menopausal women in the same house. Not Fair!
Besides the normal of a lesbian household, like: two long hair women use a lot of Drano, always more toilet paper, room for extra hair products, need more shoe space in closets. Buy the extra large box of tampons and somehow create more sink space for all the stuff (Nancy and I can't agree on type of brush to use) so we have two of everything. extra drawer space for panties and bras, sports bras too. Guys don't have this issue put two guys in one household and they have extra space for anything. Damn it.
It ain't easy and those silly fundamentalist think we picked to live this way
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What do you call a one footed hiker?
Answer: Carol
Here we go we (as in Nancy and I) are in beautiful Zion Canyon on Sunday to start an awesome vacation actually to celebrate our 9 years together. Nine years is that girl nuts or what? After a trying last year I would not let anything get in the way of this vacation. So with that said the first day of hiking is Monday. We meet our guide because we are going to canyoneer, which is hiking and repelling down the cliffs.
We start our hike up to about a 1500 ft climb, (mind you we started at about 4,000 ft up) so we can repel down and rock climb and hike and repel..........get the picture yet. Now I am hiking on my left foot on tippy toe and limping like a fool. Not to graceful but I am getting it done. The guide, Nick, is very nice and is very shy to ask me a question concerning my disability or abnormality as he sees it. He asked were you born with that limp or did it happen as a kid, accident what? I tell him two days ago at a softball tourney, he laughs and ask what the hell I am doing hiking........my answer is just that HIKING.
The only time it really hurt bad was we were repelling a slot canyon (which is a very narrow opening in the canyon) I had to push off with my left foot to get over to the right of the canyon wall, damn I yelped and slammed into the side of the canyon and nearly broke my arm. Good times. After Nancy made sure I was alright she could not stop laughing at how pretty now bruised arm is and what a mess I am.
Vacations are wonderful aren't they? Now I am in a walking cam cast. Will the fun ever stop?
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The on going saga
The foot the foot.............
Here we go, now mind you I am not whining just stating some weird facts.
I fly to Phoenix to play in the Softball World Series (what a lesbo feast) anywho, I am excited to play and of course I forget my sleeping cast. OK to be honest I left behind on purpose ..............between you and I, I did not want to bring a freakin' ortho sleep cast with a house full of young hot softball girls. Mind you I was sharing a house with 12 girls all age under 30. I know I know ego ego but come on now you would you want to go through the intense teasing I would have endured?!
Needless to say on the last game of the Series I am up to bat I step to swing and my muscle under my foot pops like a rubber band. I hop all the way to first in such pain I can not tell you. I get back to the dug out take my cleat off to find a lovely swollen non-existed arch of my foot. Good times, now the last day of the tournament and I can not walk. I am being carried around because that was far better than looking like a fool sleeping with a cast.........Can you say dumb ass! Again my karma is so immediate.
This all happened Saturday and I am to meet Nancy in Vegas on Sunday to drive out and hike Zion Canyon, Brice Canyon. Stay tuned for that story.
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New Hair Cut
Here is the down low comments on the new hair cut.........
First and foremost I did donate my hair, I am sure they will dye it before some poor kids with cancer gets it.
Three comments ready..........1. I look like Daniel Day Lewis, the women tells me, and then assured me he's sexy. Hello! HE 2. This one comes from my softball team that I traveling with,
I look like Jesus and especially since I wear sandals 3. Last but not least, a young woman tells me, I look 10 years younger like I am in my 40's again. I am 42! She is no longer allowed to drink at the Moon. LOL
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Holy Crap!
Here we go again.
If I bust on someone for whatever it is then something similar happens to me.
example a friend of mine Kim had a scratch on her ear right above her earring and it looked screwy, so I bust on her on what a stupid place for a cut well don't ya know I woke Tuesday morning with a huge cute/scratch on my ear. See what I mean. Karma is quick.
I am watching the Marlins play and Cody Ross is out with a tight heel. What a baby, I am thinking, he makes a near million and can't suck it up.
Now my heel is hurting a tad.......
I have been running quite a bit (some of you have seen me and waved or beeped) and I run like sasquash. Hard and pounding, so I thought I better get new running shoes. Break down and buy some that were made in this era. Nope did not help. Now it is going a few weeks and the pain is getting worse to the point that I can not put weight on it. I see my hot little ortho at the bar I ask her, probable bone spur, she says. Solution wear support in all your shoes. I can't put those in Birkenstocks. Hello! I try that no luck.
Now I am seriously limping out of bed......I went to the orthopedic. (I hate doctors and I hate to go see them, only when going to Africa did I see one)
She, the ortho doc, walks in wearing heels, wait a minute you’re a foot doctor wearing heels perhaps on my way out I will smoke with the heart surgeon.
Any who, here is the skinny I have a sprained heel and a bone spur. Oh yeah Karma is quick. Who would have thought that a muscle runs from under your heel to your toes and that you could sprain it?! I now have to wear this freaky temporary cast at least 12 hours a day. So I decide I will sleep in it as if I sleep 12 hours a day. Now that I have sprained my heel....no running.........HOLY CRAP! It’s painful, poor Cody Ross.
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I am a big girl!
Ok ladies here it goes I have to tell you my story of NOT getting a mammogram. I have such high hopes of reaching the outer red line. The glass plate where they squeeze the living day lights out of your boob has lines on it..............like a small boob line then a medium boob line and then a large boob line and then lastly a huge boob line.
Now I am sitting in the waiting room of the hospital to have my boobs squeezed to death and of course I am so self conscience. I am called oh yeah it is my turn...........we, as in the nurse make idol chit chat on the way back to the x-ray room after all she will be touching my boobs so it is only fair we have awkward conversation. She gives me a paper shirt to wear with no front to it..........I laugh. She puts these lovely little stick on metal covers on my nipples. Yeah that was pretty fun. Now I have to say why I laughed, you are handling my boobs and putting metal on my nipples I think we are intimate enough that I don't need a paper shirt.
Now I stand up to the machine and she places my boob on the glass........I am excited to reach at least the middle line. NOPE Ok the first line NOPE. She tries and rearranges my (in my mind) big boob again...still NOPE.
Ok now what, I can not fit into the machine I am too small. WHAT! I’m too small! Yep to small. The nurse was so sweet she assured me it was ok ........we a have a few ladies who can not fit she says.
Any who now I have to get a sonogram, cool by me. Still have to get it done no matter I am at that age. (if you are 35 and up you better get it done No EXCUSE!)
Off to another waiting room and the stares from new people. My name is called oh by the way they yell Carol Moron not Moran. Nice. Any who off I go..... a woman comes and leads me back to my room and tells me to undress to the waist. And lie down. So here I am lying down topless in a strange room (it's not like that hasn't happen before).
In my comes the woman who is going to do my sonogram.............she is cutie and says oh hey Carol. And yes she comes into New Moon. Oh my God now I have this cutie that I see almost every Friday night and softball Sunday rubbing my boobs with gel and handling my boobs to get the right picture in the screen. Still Oh my God I am dying, trying to keep my abs tight. You know I have to try and look good. LOL That is hard work on your abs to stay that tight that long. She is just as whatever as can be.............me embarrassed as can be. Why couldn't it had been an old troll doing my sonogram....Why.
But I will tell you this embarrassed or not, scared or not.......you better get a freakin' mammogram or sonogram Missy.
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Oh wait 84.50
We, as in Nancy and I redid our office/study. So cool how it turned out. The colors are chocolate mouse and white with chocolate brown chairs and furniture. Sounds cool to me but wait we have to interject color so says Nancy. I am down with that well she picks a funky sky/slate blue ( which by the way is so in)
So we shop for throw pillows ...........search ........search ........search Ok we find them. We pick them out we go to the registar to pay. Two pillows mind you and they are only 12in long by 6in high. The cashier says 84.50 I said WHAT to Nancy. She repeats 84.50 I say realy 24.50 No 84.50. I pay the lady and when we walk out I am still in shock. I think I am being punked.
The pillows are not lace, silk, chennel............no just plain fabric.
I can tell you this everytime I lay on that pillow I should have an orgasm.
No lie.
Oh buy the way they look great with the new rug.................only 49.50 at Home Depot guess who picked that one out. Yep me! I love the rug.
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I am feeling the pressure
Ok so I am feeling the pressure to write the whacky things that happen to me and make them funny..................well the truth be told they are funny on their own. It really does just happen to me.
It is rare but I have a witness. I am not sure which story to write about the very black drag or trans at the hospital or the woman who I never met gave me advice on how to look more fem. ..................
Lets see. Ok I am going with Doo at dniner at Il Mulinos.
Nancy and I are at the bar to grab a quick bite to eat when this lovely couple we will call them Doo and Da sit to eat as well.
We chat a bit with Paul who bartends there and comes to New Moon, order our food and Marlins are the TV all is going well. (except Marlins are losing because that what they do).
Now comes the couple, they sit and are very polite. They just came form Galanga for diner and stopped off for a night cap. We get into a conversation and................well wait let me give how we were seated.
Doo and Da then Nancy and at the end is me, so with that Da starts a simple conversation with Nancy. They and we were talking about the boat show it goes right in front of thier condo. Good conversation, they do ask how long we have been together ( cool they don't care we are big fat homos). Da is an investment banker so Nancy and him into intense conversation....................well doo and I are at a lost of what to talk about. Here it comes, she was a hair dresser. She was taken a back at first she confesses to talking to us because she did not know if I were a girl or a boy. ugh! Anywho I stay polite and say well I don't normally wear tank tops out for that reason. I know I have big arms and no boobies. Ok right cute joke and leave the conversation be but nooooooooo.
She gets out of her seat and walks to my chair and proceeds to tell me immediately I must dye my hair. And now she is touching me with her finger ina pointing way. Like when you point at some one and say ugh no! Nancy is having an adult conversation with Da and is not paying attention after a swift “save me” kick Nancy gets it. She leans into Doo and says, no to dying my hair it is who I am. Sounds great but then she left me again.............here I am out on my own with Doo. Now doo proceeds to tell me how I can look more fem and younger. I need to get a hair dye as you know but then I need to get an eyebrow lift. And if I had the funds botox to get rid of my lines in my face. Boy am I feeling good about eating Italian at this point. Doo asks if I mind her advice as she is still touching my mya arms in a bit of distain, I say well of course not as, I considerate on the Marlins game. Her response, GREAT then let tell you then I have a few more pieces of advice..........stay out of the sun, get breast implants (even they are small) and I quote for God's sake stop working out.
With that I am done,…….. well Da hears this and ushers Doo out the door. Thank God. All of this and my chicken was dry. Damn it.!
Now that I have the secret to youth I will share with everyone.
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White Trailer Trash...............Thats ME!
I am ok with it. But why am I trailer trash (what a horrible expression) well here ya go.
I ate three meals in one day at 7-11. Yep.
I am always up at breakfast by 8:30 to eat before I work out and I work out by 9:30. On this particular day I was running late to an appointment of some sort can't remember what of course. Its 9:45 and I am starving, so I get to my nearest 7-11 to buy an egg, sausage, cheese biscuit. Damn it was nasty. I only ate the egg and sausage out of the "sandwich". Side bar I try not to eat carbs and I am allergic to dairy and yeast. That means no bread or cheese. I get the lovely little dried out sausage down and I am driving to my destination my truck smells so bad from the biscuit I had to pull over and throw it out.
Ok that was breakfast..............now it about 2:30 and I decide I have to get my 5 mile run in, so I run my Wilton Manors route. About 2 to 2.5 miles in I am fading fast. Now I know it’s hot but I am really starting to hit bottom. As I am running I start to think what the hell is the last thing I ate? Guess?! That damn biscuit, I have not eaten anything for over 5 hours. I am turning back to run towards my car when I have to eat..................Where is the only place close 7-11. I get an apple, a breakfast bar and some water. When I tell you I sat by the garbage can and devourer my food like a homeless person. It wasn't pretty. Not to mention the headache that gave myself from dehydration.
It is a Thursday so I must work at night and we (penny and I) get out very late I am starving again. Let’ss see where can I eat at 3:30 in the morning? You guessed it 7-11. My late night hot dog (no bun) I eat that on my way home and leave the box on my front seat. OUCH! Do you know what a 7-11 hot dog box with onions smells like when the morning heats beats down on it?
If you can't imagine you are lucky.
I do wonder why I had such stomach issues the next day. Who’s your pretty girl?
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I'm Back
I have soooooo much to catch you up on that I am not sure where to begin.
Before I forget I do have to tell ya my girlfriend is a FREAK. She and a friend named Stubby (we will get into that nick name later) are flying to Nashville, renting Harleys and riding to Memphis. Doesn't sound strange but why are they going to Memphis..............it's the 30 year anniversary of Elvis's death. They are going to look at impersonators all weekend. A nice jewish lesbian in Memphis, they will love that. Oh by the way the guest house they are staying at is across the street from where Elvis went to grade school. Really, I say who cares and they are FREAKS, but then again who am I to judge. LOL
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Lost and lonely.................
So our computer crashed in a BIG way. We have been without for about three weeks. i feel so out of touch. How in the hell I survived before computers is beyond me. The good news its back and working great, the bad news we lost every stitch of information concerning the bar and personal finacials, house records, taxes, contacts, srpead sheets.......EVERYTHING.
This would be the reason I have not written, but I do have alot to catch you up on.
First and foremost PRIDE was off the hook. CRAZY! If you missed it baby you missed the party. Every outrageous outfit, free give-aways all day, live music and I must say DJ Rae Rae was on her game.
I will write more once I am done with catching up in computer hell! Seriously I hate sitting at a desk all day. Nancy callled to check on me and make sure I was still working..................even sent a friend to make sure I was home and not lying about being TIED to the desk. Me sitting down for more than an hour torture I say torture.
Talk to ya soon
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High School Grad..........
Hey all,
Last weekend I went over to Bradenton for my niece's high school graduation. First I have never seen so many camouflage hats in one place; for God's sake the ceremony is 2 hours long. You can't go without that hat for 2 hours?!
Any who, she walked proudly to get her diploma and I was proud of her as well.
Of course we go out to dinner to celebrate.......Damn who knew we could get kicked out of a Jo-To's almost but we didn't. Jo-To's is like a behni-hana.
We drank and carried on like crazy, it's time to leave but not end the party, so we kidnap my little niece since she knows where everything is to get us to liquor store. We buy a few things for coffee drinks. Wait we need whip cream........so off to Walgreens at midnight. It is midnight in Bradenton I am dressed to impress, if I do say so myself. I am heeled boots (that's right heels baby).
Now I am thinking to myself...........Self you are in Walgreens at midnight dressed and buying only a tub of whip cream. Everyone is looking at you. Here comes the part where I was saved from everyone looking at me, at least I think so.
The woman in front of me is buying ............get ready.........a pack of Marlboro Reds, a box of Oreos and an ENEMA! Who is parting now?! She wins!
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Whacky things people do and say.......
I went to Boom last night at around 1:30 am with Davina and a few of her friends. Well we get there and this guys with no shirt and sweating like a horse after a race comes from behind me and starts dancing with me. Geeerooss!
all up and down my koolaid..........Yikes, so we get off the dance floor. He comes over to where we were standing and wants me to meet his friend. He is a nice guy and of course I do know him from being around. (that doesn't sound good) Anyway I walk with him to meet his buddy, as he introduces me, he says my name and that I own New Moon. Normal right?! Well then his freind looks at me and says while shacking my hand and I quote "my mother speaks German" WHAT?! not nice to meet you or its a pleasure or even I didn't hear your name. Nope! my mother speak German. cool Uh? Exactly what do you say back.
Now I am baffled and smell like a sweaty man, good night out I would say.
Home to shower and off to bed.
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I set a record.............
I fell asleep in the drive through of McDonalds. The women had to wake my up from the pay window to drive up to the pick up window. No lie!!
Now, mind you there were cars in front of me, during my time of waiting at the pay window.
Took my quater pounder (with no bread) home to eat and fell asleep at the dinning room table.
And I was drinking water all night. That stuff will kill ya.
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A few facts about Uganda
They do not turn off the car while pumping gas.....Hello?!
Women are not allowed to operate bicycles, moped or cars. A bigger HELLO?! They can be passengers if they can afford it, if not, they walk everywhere.
Women in some places can not eat chicken only men.
They throw garbage right out the window.........no garbage cans anywhere.
In the Capital city Kampala, crazy crowded and it is an international business center. (this is the only place you see white people)
Mazunco means white person
Mulau means crazy or mad
Not sure why they called me Mulau Mazunco
Over 40 languages are spoken however English is the national language you are taught in school. Luganda and Swahili are most commonly spoken after English
Matoka is the food they love.....it is green banana ground into a paste (gross) and posho which is like eating Styrofoam, it is a heated flour paste.
No one in the villages has a dog.........can't afford to feed them. Not really in the City either unless the people who have them are not from Uganda.No horses in Uganda..........why Idi Amin.
I ate a lot of goat and snake.........not bad. Anything is better than Matoka.
Cows have horns
Fish head soup...........they dry the fish heads out on a table outside in the heat and then make the soup.......No No No!!
There no such thing as OSHA, FDA or Health Inspections..........nay nay fifi.
To Pa Pa, its meaning is along the lines of relax/don't rush
Yogurt is in a bag with a straw and not ever refrigerated.
Here is my favorite...........meat is not refrigerated, it is hung raw outside (roadside most times) so you can walk up tell them how many kilos you want, they wipe off the bugs and cut it for you! Take it and cook it. Delicious! And yes I ate it!
I also ate all the foods/meats the poorest of villages folks would rush the cab, car or bus we were traveling on to sell. I am sure it met all health inspection standards. NOT!
You buy live chickens, people carry them around in bags until they get home to cook. My niece jumped sky high when a woman taking her chicken home moved on a cabride. LOL
Cabs......well they are 8 passenger mini vans that they fit 16 of us on. You have to wait until it is full.......oh the smells of Africa
Oh yeah last but not least, there is no diet coke.........only coke light you are lucky to find in upscale places in the city. That about killed me, no cafine. Yikes!
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Nile River water taste great............
So it's pretty cool when the guide who is commanding your raft gives you a big fat hug. Why, may you ask, here we go.
My niece, Michelle, had booked a whitewater rafting trip down the Nile River. Incredible! I tell her I am up for anything and that I love a good adventure. Perhaps I should have reminder her of my age. Yes I have whitewater raft before but I have no business doing class five rapids. If you don't know about the rating system of rapids, five is the most difficult.
Bring it, I say, I am psyched. We are told a few facts to live by, one get down means kneel and hold the rope a side of the raft. Second, not to let go of the boat but if we do, do not panic under water it seems like a long time however it is only 20 to 25 seconds. Last never swim when you are down because you could be swimming further down, let the life vest do its job.
Sounds easy enough to me, now I am really ready!
Beautiful ride down to the Nile. We launch the raft and away we go. Practice a bit and off to hit our first set of rapids. With some great leadership and teamwork no problem. Second set of rapids are three's so we are really cruising through, looking good.
Now we come up on rapid named Jaws, now you know how the story is going to go from here.
We miss timed the rapid and the raft flipped. Not just flipped over but flipped via thrown into air. Everyone is tossed out of the raft. Oh wait I forgot to tell you as we were entering the rapid our guide yells SHIT! GET DOWN GET DOWN!! HOLD TIGHT HOLD TIGHT then another SHITTT!
Needless to say I go down deep, not just the green water but the brown brakish water. I get caught in an under tow. Pretty much a hydraulic pull of water and me. I do start to panic a bit knowing I am heading down further because lets face under tow does not move upward. I start kicking and swimming remember very clearly saying to myself I did not come to Uganda to die. As I swimming up, I catch myself and talk myself into relaxing. I curl up in the fetal potion so the life vest can do its thing........slowly I start heading upward into the light brown water, then the dark green water, then the light green water. Now my body automatically starts to fight to breath. I cover my mouth and nose not to take in water. (It is a natural reaction for your lungs to want to breath and you will take in water if don't cover, that unfortunately how most drowning occur)
As I get to the white water ..................I do not make it up before another huge rapid breaks on top of me, sending me back down. Everyone else is up and accounted for, I fond out later but me at this point.
As the wave crashed hit took me down but also rushed me forward at the same time. I take in water as I can't hold my nose and cover my mouth as I am fighting the rapid. I am seriously hurting at this point. I do make it up from the green water (of course else I wouldn't be typing this now). As I forged my way to the surface, the rescue kayaks are looking for me. They spot me and the kayak rushes over to me. I could have that mans babies for getting me. I ride the kayak back to our raft. They pull me up on board, I lay in the boat trying to catch my breath and coughing up parts of the Nile. In between coughs I saying that was rock and roll, totally groovy. The guide gives me a big bear hug and says we have never had that close of a call. WHAT?!? did you say? Don't say that to me there are plenty more rapids to go! Well as I sit up my niece freaks out because I am bleeding from a small cut on my forehead. I get my stitch and butterfly strips right there on the raft.
But how did I get that when I did not hit any rocks? The say snake whipped. You mean there are snakes in that water, I was in there with snakes?!?! Drowning I am cool with, snakes Hell NO!
Oh one more thing it goes without saying that I vowed never let go of that raft again no matter what I would make love to it before I let go again. I mean it.
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A Message from Nancy
Just to let everyone know: after 4 flights, a ton of advil and quite the head cold, Carol has arrived safely in Kampala, Uganda.......Her adventure continues (hey, getting through the International terminal at MIA was an adventure in and of itself!) bright an early Tuesday morning as they ride to the village where her neice teaches - -
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Getting Nervous
Ok I am offically getting nervous about traveling to Uganda. In the newspaper last week they had a coup overthrow the court house and remove all elected judges. This means I better NOT do anything that I need to appear before a judge because, well there aren't any. The militants are in control of the court system.
Don't know if I mentioned but my niece has been mugged 4 times while in the capital of Uganda...... Kampala. I was gonna look for those little thugs. I guess I am not going to do some old fashion justice on those boys. Who am I kidding......I wasn't anyway. I am a big chicken! LOL
Hopefully I will be able to write from Kenya when we fly over for a safari so I can catch you up on all the details. Maybe a picture or two of me in my fabu skirt. I hopefully going to be thin and tan.
Oh my God wait, I just thought of something.......NO WINE! What?!
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I survived the week............
Man you guys know how to party. The weekend was an awesome time, what I remember of course.
Thanks so much to all those that made the weekend possible. From those that worked it to those that came to enjoy it...........THANKS. It does not go unappreciated.
I have never have gone to bed at 5:30 in the morning three nights in a row before and I don't mind tell you I am way too old to do it again. (I know something is grammar wrong with the above sentence but I can't figure it out) LOL
A special thanks to the staff who always has to pick up my slack. Slacker CarolNo lie it took me over 4 hours to crop and post all the pictures. If you know anything about me, sitting at a computer does not work so well for me. A.D.D. sets in and it ain't pretty. If there are repeats in pictures well you get the idea.
See ya soon
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I am NOT a pedophile!!
I got some major strange looks at K-Mart and Target when I purchased every pair of kids underwear they had. I did get boys and girls though. Who needs three hundred pair of undies? I am sure they are thinking what is a big old lesbo like me buying all these undies for?
Of course I am taking them to the kids in Uganda. Duh.
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My Niece ROCKS!
One once of her passion is all I need. Why? Her name is Michelle; she has masters in public health but yet went to Uganda for 2 years to solve the world AIDS crisis. She is a teacher/counselor at the orphanage school. She is a nut; Uganda has the highest AIDS population in the World. Who would want to live there for 2 years with no electricity or running water? NOT ME, however I am going to visit for 2 weeks. Lets 2 weeks versus 2 years yep I am up for 2 weeks.
She speaks the language which is a party bonus, I won't look so dumb.
I told her I am game for any experience that comes my way......so I think she might be taking advantage because she said I can go to the well everyday and pump the water. I think one time is an experience enough. LOL. Oh yeah I also get to boil it and then chill it for drinking. Fun Fun.
Michelle tells me I must wear a skirt.....WHAT?!?! It is not a very touristy area as you can image being with all the genocide/bombings/civil war going on next door in Darfur. So they consider it a bit of an insult for women to wear pants. Good God. She said I will stand out like a sore thumb if I wear pants all the time, hell I am going to stand out anyway I am white with white hair. LOL.
I will keep ya posted, this trip is sure to have good stories.
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Why Oh Why Me?
I am fly paper for whacky people.
I am at the doctor’s office the other day, the infectious disease doctor mind you. Why, you may ask, but I do NOT have any infectious disease so put that rumor down. I was there to get all the vaccines I need to go to Uganda and Rwanda Africa. (Side bar I am scared of needles) Eight that’s 8 shots I had to get. DAMN.
So now to the story.....
I walk in the office, I sit down. The waiting room is fairly large with about 12 chairs in a semi circle. I am alone in the waiting room until this lady walks in and sits right next to me. WHY? right next to me. She proceeds to cough a lot, so I look as if I am interested in a magazine that is over by another chair, so I can move to the chair. Clever I thought. I move over to my new little seat assignment. Don't guess...........she moves and sits right next to me to look at the magazine I just picked up. Did I mention it is an infectious disease office!! And she is till coughing up body parts!!
At this point I am welcoming any needles headed my way.
A day in the life.............Crazy but True.
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Pink
Ok I have to come clean I do not like the color pink...........and my new bathroom is pink. Not just a little pink, it's all pink. Walls, tile, tub, shower, sink......Pepto bismol exploted. There is no way for me to "fix" the situation. Oh wait the counter tops in the bathroom and kitchen match they are a fake marble looking gray and PINK! I have a feeling I am going to learn to love pink.
I helped the situation by buying lime green accents.....Why not! Towels, floor mats you know the whole nine yards. It's HOT!
It is no doubt the first thing I purchased for my new place was a wine rack......DUH!
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Mid-life Crisis
Hey guys I went away to Orlando to play in a softball tournament. I must come totally clean on something first...........I play on this team because, well most of the players are young and hot. Simple!
It was a good time and a few of the players had thier parents come to watch. Kristi's Mom came to watch which I met, very nice woman. Later in the night Kristi says to me my mom wanted to know if you were single, she wanted to "hook you up" with a friend of hers. What?! I have Mothers wanting to hook me up and the fact that it came from a mother hurts. Damn.
At some point in the weekend we were talking music and I say I love Frank Zappa, cute young Lindsy says so does my Dad. Ouch!
One more thing came from all of this another player Kris says to me Mama Moon when I am your age I want to have a body like yours. Kiss or kill her?!
Nancy is convinced I am having a mid life crisis, God I hope not that means I will live to 84........I think I am having a 3/4 life crisis.
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L Word
I am now driving myself mad watching this Crap! Hey Papi I have a rule for you......don't try to act unless you know how.
What happened to Cybil Sheppard? Please tell her to stop.
I can't even write anymore about the show..........but of course I will watch it next week to see just how much worse it can get. Maybe just maybe something will change.
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Are you kidding me!?
L Word stands for LOSER Seriously that show is like a train wreck. You can't turn away and it is ugly. Now don't be getting mad it is just my opinon.
You have Marina back who is totally hot and they don't even show a love scene.....that to me would have been nice.
The rest of the show...........Shane's face makeup changed several times. BAD EDITING first we had blood then no blood and then we had blood at end. Horrible. Oh yeah don't forget the over reacting whinning ex-couple........Bette and Tina (now straight). How annoying are they? Backed up by the poor rich girl gone broke and that freakin orbiting, outerspace website. Papi my butt.
I love that we have a show about Lesbians but seriously can they at least be real. Becasue I don't know about you but every time I am dating someone new they always ask if my ex will sleep with us and right away too. Come on!
So like I said I am happy we are represented on TV however can we get some real deal going on.
I have wasted an hour of life I will never get back. I could have had thumbtacks shoved under my fingers or perhaps my teeth pulled or even hot pokers stuck in my eyes and had more fun.
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Somebody should have told me!
What playing possum meant. For those that don't know possums play dead when they feel they are in danger.
Also as a bit of information you can't pick them up like sushi with chopsticks. Swear!
So here's my story ......
Needless to say I work really weird hours, so mostly I get my computer work done in the late hours or wee hours depending on your view, but usually at the desk at 3 in the AM. I try not to disturb Nancy since she has 'normal" hours however the dogs get restless. So my solution is leave the side door open and let them come and go as they wish. They have their dog run, they have food and water, and they can play its fabu. My male boxer, Bailey, is quite the hunter. Skids, the female boxer is totally my dog can't be bothered and too lazy to chase anything.
Well this particular night I am at the computer, everything going groovy no barking but yet I hear a lot of commotion inside the house. NOW IT’S POSSUM TIME!!
I go into the back room and see what I think is a black and white rope toy. No oh my God it’s a dead cat NO. It is a nastily ugly possum, just lying as Bailey is trying to revive it to play more. If no one knows this I can't stand dead animals. I can't even pick up a lizard, roach, snail alive or dead.
Now I am fighting to get Bailey away from this creature, I am doing the whisper scream. I am banging the ground to scary him away and he looks at me like I am the biggest whim. So.
Nancy is now up, she gets the dogs and heads out front wit them, so ME I can get the possum. Me?!? We have a big bay window in front the dog is trying to come through it scaring me more............
Time for me to act, so I go and get the swifter handle and a broom handle I am going to role this thing onto a sheet and wrap it up. Poor thing is bleeding it not a pretty scene. My 2 big giant chopsticks are not working. As I am poking at it, it moves. HOLY SHIT I jump so high and so far, I tripped on the couch and fell. It's alive, but only raising it ugly head at me. Now what do I do?
I am thinking I have to go get a shovel to kill it and put it out of its misery. ME?!? Kill something. I am dying at this point and Nancy is outside laughing at me. I go out to the shed get the shovel and square of, to do the dirty but I think necessary deed. Well the freakin' possum pops up and heads towards me. CRAP! I am now standing on my couch with shovel in hand being terrorized by it. Now the possum is running around the backroom and trying to hide under a chair. Oh Hell No! I jump off that couch and start my attack. Back door is open I am going shoo it out or pick it up with the shovel and do an Olympic Toss. It's a long hall way to the back door so the toss idea won’t work. I scoop it out from under the chair; it hisses at me longs me straight in the eye......... and calmly............walks right out the door. What?! I an standing there frozen. Honest it looked me at one last time before it headed out the door as to say, hey dumb ass that was fun.
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Keep your head down
I must learn to keep my eyes down and not make eye contact with "people". at least that is what my friend Jackie tells me. Why? you may ask, well I again have story to tell about the weird in my day. Here we go, by the way I love when I have a witness, Jackie and myself went out to breakfast as I do almost everyday, the same diner and the same order. Damn I am like a little old lady. Anyhow, we are sitting there when a woman with big lips painted orange (yes orange), approached our table. She was pale white with dyed reddish hair, she was wearing those knitted shorts that just hang on ya and she had these very skinny white legs dangling from them, she had a striped tight shirt again with dangling arms from it and green fuzzy slippers. Close your eyes and vision that one. Well she comes over to give me her paper she was reading. I accept the paper and she proceeds to talk current events with me, meantime Jackie is not looking up from the table. I have a brief and courteous conversation with her. she heads back to her table all is well........................our food arrives and we start the morning feast. My girl Jackie gets the whole deal eggs pancakes the works!Not so fast..............the woman gets back up from her table and walks to our table again this time she is on Jackie's side and in front of me. She wants to know where she can get a certain shirt no one can tell her. She has seen them and she said everyone thinks she crazy when she asks. Don't forget the whole time she is talking to us, food is in the corner of her mouth, and on her lips...... its moving, man, I am praying it doesn't fall. Now I am on a mission to help this woman find her shirt, I call a friend in the business, low and behold I have located her the shirt she wants. End of story she heads to her table to finish eating. NO NO NO not the end...................she again comes to our table on Jackie's side just bursting with happiness over finding the shirt, she proceeds to thank me one more time. Well the last thank you was the one threw Jackie over the edge.......................with the words of thanks she spits out her food right smack in the middle of Jackie's pancakes. I mean prechewed eggs on a nice new stack of pancakes. It was like bird poop on a shined car!! LOL.
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Keeping my truck clean
If you know anything about my truck I am always hauling something around in that damn thing and the inside is full of junk. It usually has empty diet coke cans, water bottles, shoes, food wrappers and an occasional banana peel......getting the picture yet. I must tell you the best part about the truck is when it rains outside it rains inside, cool uh?
Anyway I developed an ant problem LOL so I decided to keep my truck clean. I fell a little behind and had two diet coke cans in my truck; I was at 7-11 so I decided to throw them out. WOW how exciting, well I walk my happy ass
into 7-11 doing my thing when a woman taps me and says "it sure would be nice if you would recycle those cans, it helps the environment" I was taken a back and calmly said to her "well it sure would be nice if you didn't drive the biggest gas eating Hummer made"
I think I made my point.
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Will the real Carol please stand up
If you missed Saturday night you missed the scariest thing yet. All the staff dressed as me, it was quiet frightening to see 5 of me running around. I must say the did a great job, long gray hair and a wine glass in hand, birkenstocks, blue nail polish and all. It really was awesome. I think I am going to take it as a compliment......I think.
Oh yes don't forget Kat who came in with a blow doll with my face on it. Things that make go ummm. She was a diver ( if you get what I am saying) with a blow doll around her neck. Again the doll of me had a wine glass in one hand and a cigar in the other. Scary. Again, compliment or ?
If I stop drinking wine will people regonize me?
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Movin' on up....
Sunday at the bar, Anthony, who I adore has taken the time to bring me a a product he really wants me to use. He starts by saying not that you need it, but I got this for and its really easy to use and it works. It's $95 for a small tube so I know you won't buy it, he says.
I thank him so much, now for the product.............ready...........HYLEXIN
What does it do you ask, quote from the tube itself
"serious dark circles and chronic puffiness surrounding the eye orbital area"
And I thought things could only get better and move up after judging the Slut of the Year contest at Ramrods, who knew!
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No way...........
How can my writing insult you? Ok I must come clean, a woman gets me at the bar the other day, to say to me, me not liking Jew food is insulting. WHAT?!?!
I am totally thinking she is kdding..........NOPE. Here is why, now mind you I am the biggest liberal in all the land. I think all drugs, hookers should be legal, we haven't had a decent presidental canidate since Frank Zappa and all traffic signs should be in at least 5 languages. For Gods sake I want everyone to drive well.
Anywho back to the story.............It would have not been insulting if I would have used the word Jewish food. For some unknown reason Jew is negative but Jewish is not. Nancy my jewish girlfreind did not have the reason either, neither did her hadassah mother.
After much resaerch let me clear this up. I hate Greek food too, not Greekish food, I also hate Vietnamese food, not Vietnamesish food. I hope that helped. LOL
I love all the people just not the food.
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Catching up
Good news and bad news:
First the bad, my nieghbor died who called at all hours of the night. Better place for her.
Good news, the girl at the juice bar remembered what kind of shake I drink and had it made as I walked up.
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I love my neighbor
Here we go.............
I gave my cell phone number and home phone number to my neighbor to call me anytime she needed me. She is about 70 years old and lives alone. Key word anytime.
Well I get home from the bar on Friday nights (really Saturday mornings) around 5 am. I wine down and usually get into bed to start waking up Nancy. Nancy works out at 6am on the beach. We will breakfast together, she leaves to workout and I go to bed. It's our quiet time. Not so fast.
Just as I crawled in bed to wake Nancy, the phone rings, it's my neighbor Ann, calling me. She is thristy wants me to bring her over something to drink. Of course I immediately go over with a bottle water. I on the way over opened it, WRONG thing to do. She did not want it because it was opened. I tell her no worries I will go to 7-11 and buy her a soda, she somewhat snaps at me, and asks why 7-11 when Walgreens is open 24 hours. Oh yippie for me. I head back over to my house, Oh did I forget to tell you my sprinklers were on and now I am walking through hers as well. I walk in to get my keys and tell Nancy (well rested Nancy might I add) that I am headed to the store and no lie , she askes to get a half gallon of milk she feels like cereal. WHAT!?!
I am soaking wet at Walgreens with everyone else in there starting their day when I want to end mine.
I buy the milk and two cokes for Ann. Back home, drop off the milk, walk over to Ann's still through sprinklers and give her, her two cokes. She now wants the receipt. I thought is was to see how much to try and pay me for them. I of course tell her no worries about that, see snaps a little again she wants the receipt to see that I tuly bought them today....I head to my truck to get the receipt..........Now it has hit me. Every light is on, she is 70 and white with BET (black Entertainment TV) on and she is very figidity. She might be loosing it. I never said I was smart or quick.
She wants to know what happened to the milk and when did I have time to drop it off. Mind you it is around 6:30 now, so I spend a few moments with her watching BET the gospel of soul program. Then I make my exit.
I dry off warm up and head to my long awaiting bed...I get into that deep relm sleep and then there is a knock on the door, the dogs are going crazy. No it is not my neighbor, but her daughter to thank me at 8AM.
Is it any wonder I nap anywhwere. Oh no folks it gets better, Nancy comes home around 10 am from working out and eating breakfast with friends. And begins to wake me up so we can start our day together...............
I love my life.
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I hate Jew food
Nancy is into this new deli she has discovered, Pomperdales. This place is right out of New York and everyone is jewish with Long Island accents. Nancy can get her lox platter and I whatever.
Every freakin' time we go there, there are three counter men older than dirt God Bless them. They have been working there for agaes.
Here my problem with the place first and foremaost I hate jewish food. Second they call me sir everytime. Not only do they call me sir, they do that macho "hey thats your babe nod to me" Have you every seen it when a guy does that. GROSS! They think they are being hip, not so much. No offense to Nancy but anyone under 60 is looking good in that place. We bring down the average age.
The woman at the counter stares at me all breakfast long, with a bit of a tilted head. She watches me....It creeps me .........what does Nancy do, she enjoys that lox platter, it's the best she says. LOL
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Fuzzy Face?
Here goes one of those wonderful compliments that come at you through the day.
I was at the bar, I had friends in from out of town, and we were having wine and cutting up. I went also to meet DJ Rae Rae to pay her for the month. We’re hanging out and drinking some fabu LaCrema Chardonnay, well, as we are chatting we both at the same time notice
a hair on the lip of my glass. I have been drinking out it for a while so it had to come from me. A dog hair and eyelash you know the usual suspects……………………..No not with Rae Rae.
As Rae notices she rubs her face where if I were a man I would have sideburns and says to me..and I quote “It probably came from (rubs her face again and then mine where the sideburns would be) but mine are blond so your shows up more” What!?!?!
How in the hell did a hair on my wine glass end up that I need laser treatment. I look at her like she has three heads; of course I am now rubbing my face to see just how fuzzy I am.
It just keeps getting better and better for me.
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A good lesbian
Am I not a good lesbian? The secret is out so I mine as well come clean to everyone:
I do not know how to use power tools, I can not build, I stink at pool and darts and here is the worst part I don't like lesbian music. Please don't hate me! By the way what is lesbian music, is it Mellissa Etheridge, becasue she is rock, is it KDLang because she is ...........well I don't know anymore. I love Bev's music who plays Saturday at the Moon and she is a lesbian. Is that redeeming enough?
I can't help that I am a gay man trapped in a lesbians body, I love opera, blues, cooking, fine wines, decorating and yes fresh flowers. Damn it I wish I could change but I can't .............believe meI tried. I am so glad to get this off my chest. Thanks
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Vacations are always short!
Well I hope you all missed me while I was on vacation. I bet you didn't even notice.
Nancy and I rode our motorcycles to Savanah Georgia. Thank God I have "junk in the trunk" as they say, I can't imagine if I didn't have a big ass how delish my butt woudl feel. As it were I was squirming in my seat. Nancy said I looked like a litte kid who had to pee. I was just rearranging my big fat butt's weight!
Now on to my observations of driving backroads to Georgia all Florida we did not take I-95 or a main road. Lets see........Ida Mae's truck stop was serving smoked deer, uh no thanks. And the Antique Barn in Yulee, Florida is under new management. They had world famous boxing classes in Woodbine, Florida it said so right on the window of the closed gym.
We saw a sign out front of a thrift shop..........no lie......it said "More dead peoples stuff for sale". We saw plenty of auto repair shops that had cars not touched in years. But there was one that said "Hot Cars for Sale" and it had a rusted out falling down on one side 1938 Rolls Royce you could not tell what color it was. By the way they don't take credit or credit cards, sorry.
I wanted to eat at every roadside BBQ place, Nancy finally let me after we passed the Georgia state line. It was awesome! A run dwon shack that you had to drive the long dirt road to get to........Delish.
Every town we passed through they all had a church and a tavern, fairly close to one another as well. I guess one is for repenting and the other for rejoicing ....just not sure which is for which.
Quick note about our travel:
Boys thought we were freaks
Road kill still smells thru a full face helmet
Bugs splatting on your neck and shirt not so fun but luckly I had the face guard.
Nipples hurt when they have been beaten by the wind for 8 hours
Lots of swamps and marsh with a lovley stink smell. We had a great time!
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Ok Ok I know I have been away
well, now I am here. I have a few things to spout off about. So I am not sure where to begin. First and foremost I have been fighting this sinus infection and it is a stubborn little shit. However the weeks before Pride were crazy busy for me. I don't have a manager so it’s me that gets to run around like an idiot. Which by the way I am fabulous as an idiot.
Here are a few of my observations.............I ate way too much fast food. I have not eaten BK or Wendy's in years. I did notice that oppression is a live and well. Everyone that works there is black except for the one white person who is the manager. But that is another rant, but true wonderment is why don't they give you napkins or utensils? They know you’re in your car, it is a drive through. Does one carry a knife, fork and napkins in the console of the car? Every meeting I went to I had ketchup stains on my shirt not to mention all over the front seat.
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Party!!
One thing you should know about me by now is I know how to throw a party. Stonewall is our biggest party of the year............yes even bigger than our anniversary.
We have DJ's spinning all day with Live music all as well. We will have the grill pumping and Amy will be making our now famous panninis. Plus we added an extra bar outside and not to be topped off by the Air condition flushing toliets!! Yippee. I ask you what can get any better? All for the price of FREE!We have tons of give-aways and the Svedka models will be there around 4:00 They are hot!!
Please come and join us. After Pride I will catch you up on the trials of my life. LOL Just wait until I tell you what DJ Rae Rae had to say about my fuzzy face. Killing me!
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A few quickies
What does it mean when someone says to you and I quote, "Carol you are like Barbaro." (the horse that broke its leg in the Preakness)What do you say to that? My answer, is that before or after he broke his leg? The reply was after. Does that mean I am headed to stud or be glue? Here is a great pick up line ......... and again I quote, "Hey Carol I love your gray hair all you need now are glasses and a few books under your arm, becasue I love the nerdy libarian look." Nice right? Someone asked Penny if I were her Mother?! Thank God I don't know who it is. Hello she is only 1 year younger. Penny looks good because its all about the lighting behind the bar. Damn it! And last but not least, my own girl wanted to borrow my jeans becuse she was feeling bloated and wanted lose baggy jeans. Nice Uh!? The love I feel everyday. LOL
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Quick Update
So now you know I can fall asleep anywhere. Well do not fear good smaratians came to resuce. I was coming home form the Moon on Thursday and got caught by the 2:15a.m train. As I waited and the trained stoped twice, I fell alseep Surprise. I awoke to a car next to me beeping thier horn and asking if I were alright. I, of course anouyed because I just woke up, reply in a snapping manner I am waiting fo the train. The womens politely says "honey there is no train." Oh shit I look down at my watch and it is 2:59 which means I was sleeping in the middle of 26th Street for about 20 minutes. Now ya know someone had to pass me by ...............thinking look at that passed out lesbian. Loser.
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I love a good nap
So, I love to sleep and it’s not something I do a lot, so when I can I catch a nap, I do. Yes there are plenty of pictures of me sleeping on the office/kitchen floor. No one can rest their head on a soda box and their feet up on a roll of paper towels like I can. My mother would be so proud of my talents.
I have, on occasion, fallen a sleep standing up which scared the heck out of Allie. She thought I was dead propped up against the cooler.
I have slept waiting for a train to pass, that freaked out my friend Jackie.
I have fallen asleep while kayaking, Rhonda smacked me with a paddle.
I often fall alseep at the computer, once or twice at a red light.
I have fallen asleep while counting dollar bills which just thrilled all the staff on Friday night. Laurie, the bartender, has known me a long time and seen me sleep in odd times and situations but even she was totally whacked out about that one. She slammed the bar to wake me up and mind you, I didn’t loose count. LOL
Yes I even fallen asleep during sex……….NOT with Nancy! She would kill me!
Ok get the hint on napping…………well I now have a new habit I must break. On Thursday I got home ( side bar.. I live 2 minutes from the bar……no time to unwind) and I just wanted to sit for a second before I have to go in to deal with the dogs, take Nancy’s glasses off (she always falls asleep with them on), turn of the TV, turn off all the lights, check my e-mails. So what happens I fall asleep in my truck parked in the swale outside my house. LOL There I am napping away, just 20 feet from my bed. What a loser but wait it gets worse. I wake when it's daylight out. Do you think the paperboy would have checked on me to see if I was alive? He did deliver the paper though it was left on the hood of my truck.
I come crawling into bed; Nancy is shocked it’s so late and asks where I have been? Sleeping in the swale I answer with a big pout. Not the right answer she laughs at me and now my new nick name is Swale Sleeper. I would totally make fun of someone if they told me they were to tired to make it in there house but I can’t when it’s me. Damn it.
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I am not aging well
Why do ask? Well in the last few days I have been called Sir more times than I care to admit.
I was out to dinner with Nancy and two female friends. The waiter approaches the table looks around at us all, says the usual pleasant exchanges and then he tries to add the personal touch. He asks me, sir how are you so lucky to be out with three pretty women tonight? Nancy answers without skipping a beat because SHE is sleeping with all three of us. LOL
After I let that incident go………..I am at networking party to promote our serving a fresh menu, did I say promoting our menu. Get the plug yet?.........Anyway, I have a conversation with a woman (an over weight, over teased hair, over ego woman) twice through out the night. She asked me about why I have gray long gray hair that it is killing her and why I wear the necklace I wear, it’s too feminine. As she is leaving the party she asked someone to get the guy with gray hair so she could say goodnight. Now I had spoken to her and she still thought I was a guy, everyone at the party had a good laugh about that one.
Last but not least ……….I went to Publix so I could cook my girl some lish dinner. The casher tells me Sir you don’t have to take the case of water out the cart. I of course not paying attention said what, she again said you don’t have to take the water from the cart, I again said WHAT!?!
She then thinks she might have made a mistake by calling me sir and no lie, stares at my chest to see tits. ( side note, I am pmsing something fierce so my tits are big LOL) She stares and is now all nervous, still not knowing. I am, needless to say, irritated. We finish our dealing together and she says to me while giving my change, “thank you and God Bless you” I looked at her and I said, I hope with smart cashiers.
Now does this mean I am a butt ugly woman or I am aging into an old man? I mean look at Michael Jackson he went from a black man to a white woman, so am I morphing too?
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When I am Old
I really try to honor our elders and lend a hand whenever possible. However three experiences in the course of 2 days is making it rough.I was a t Home Depot (isn't Home Depot better than the Opera for us?) Any who, I am in my truck turning the corner to get out that (freaking') parking lot, when a car starts to back out of a spot so I of course stop. Well this older man rams his shopping cart into the side of my truck and then proceeds to yell at me as he banging on my passenger window. Now I lean over and unroll my window (no power anything in my truck) He is yelling at me not to back up, it will trap the cart between my truck and his Lexus. Can I tell you I had that truck in reverse just waiting for him to move. I get out of my truck and ask him if he is serious or is there Candid Camera filming. He is screaming at me and now, the car I stopped for, gets out and proceeds to tell the man he is nuts! I was fired up! We all get in our cars and leave..................it took every ounce of my sense of decency for me not to back up and ram that cart into is car. Later in the day my friend Gay calls me to meet her for lunch, so we meet at Fernandas. Again another cluster mess of a parking lot. I am waiting with my blinker on (I never use my blinker)to turn into a spot that someone is backing out of. As I am waiting the car backs out and leaves and an older man again in a Lexus pulls around, I, being nice, wait for the car to pass. HOWEVER it does not pass it pulls into the spot I was patiently waiting for. Needless to say I am all fired up, I never beep either well, I beep and ask him if he
is kidding me. He looks at me as if I a had two heads. Gay sees all this happens and waives me over to another spot. Gay has that Italian attitude when she is fired up. I won't let Gay unleash on him. We go into the market for lunch guess who is behind us in line to order?, Mister parking spot stealer. He tries with half ass energy to say sorry. I say its "all good" Gay is beside herself calling me a big p----. I think you got the word.
Now the last but not least of "run ins" with elderly. I was at Office Depot getting copies done. When this woman at least 75- 80 years old with dirty bed hair walks in. I try to nod and smile she is having none of me. There is a long wait and she wants just one copy and then the letter laminated. Well this loud obnoxious woman butts her in line, the old lady doesn't notice and is speaking to the loud obnoxious women with way to many plastic parts. She gets her turn the woman behind the counter is having no patience. Of course I sit back and watch. She is old and shaky, she is trying to cut a piece of paper straight and have it placed on her letter. It comes out crooked DOI! so she tells the woman behind the counter to open it and fix it. The Office Depot worker is trying to explain laminated can not be opened. The old lady is adamant, just to open it. The woman behind the counter tells her to go back to the work area and cut the paper straight. Hello she is old! Now here is my fatal mistake, you know I am now going to get involved. I walk over to the work station and offer to help her use the cutting tools..............she looks me half in the eye half afraid to say anything..........she says and I quote " Please don't talk to me you frighten me" How's that for a ego feed?! Wait a minute she was not afraid of the loud obnoxious woman or the mean non-helpful worker yet big mean bad ass me scared her! I love life.
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I look horrible in hand cuffs!
Ok here we go..........why and how I got arrested. Why, is easy suspicion of a gas station robbery. What!?! I found it out later. I was driving west on Sunrise and apparently a vehicle fitting the description of my truck was used to "hit" a gas station. The Guy they were looking for was a white male 45 to 50 years old driving a green ford truck. Now let me see here I am a woman (yes) and my truck is turquoise. So close. Anyway they, the cops, pull me over............. of all places the parking lot of Badcock Furniture. Just think about that name, I couldn't have been pulled over in the parking lot of Good-----. Never mind. The cops that pulled me over weren't old enough to shave. They already had there hands hovering their guns. I listen very carefully to their instructions, I get out of the truck hands held high, I take three giant steps sideways away from the truck and then slowly onto to my knees putting my hands behind my head. Whew. They search my truck and find my bother's Texas tags plus I had unpaid tickets and back that up with a suspended license, needless to say they were not happy with me, they arrested me right then and into the back of the car. (did you know that the back seat of a police car has carved out space for your arms since they are behind you). Cool Yeah? I have a lovely ride to the Fort Lauderdale police station on Broward, where I am going to be processed. There is a huge fenced in pen you pace in while they get your paperwork ready. I, am now in the holding cell inside where they take all my jewelry, belt, and hai | | |
